So You Want To Read My Diary? Well, That's Going To Cost You

I recently became aware that I've generated a few subscribers by being awesome. Apparently ya'll find me sufficiently interesting to read my bantering thoughts. Amazing. I love it. But now I'm going to try to make money off it.

You may have noticed the ads that just appeared on my blog. That's no accident, baby! Please click on them. Actually, please copy-paste my blog URL, open like 10 tabs, bring up my blog on every tab, and click through the ad on each tab. And buy stuff you don't need, of course. I know I do. I just bought this:

Click Here to See What Stupid Stuff I Waste My Money On

[Does not insert hints here]

I mean, like seriously, I have a problem. It's bad, but therapists just aren't trained to handle something like this.

And if you really like what I have to say, here's the QQminusS quote of the day!

"Racism doesn't discriminate; it persecutes anyone who is different."

                    - A random pizza-delivering genius, circa 2015

Click on enough ads, and I'll reward you by explaining the origin of my now notorious moniker!

Update: So far, no clicks. Dang! 

DnD Empire Time!

I have another idea. I am a talented Dungeons and Dragons DM. I want to start a company on meetup.com that sells tickets to a DnD game for only $10. I could have four open seats per game to actually make this worth my time. And I'll host a game once a week.

Problematically, most people would rather just play Mass Effect or watch Netflix, which they can do all month long for the cost of a single game. That's why I set the price so low.

But ok. Let's say this works, and I want to expand to actually make enough money to live on, instead of less than the cheapest rent in my area per month. Now I have to split my earnings with a professionally trained DM, and I figure I have to pay him at least about $15/hour, since being a DM requires intelligence. (He's basically a story-teller.) Anything less, and how am I going to attract people who can research campaigns, memorize characters, environments, and regulate individual player experiences? It needs to be fun, and this individual must also possess good social skills.

I make about that much an hour delivering pizza. So it's not like he has no where else to go.

Games last 2 hours. Now I'm making $10/week/game, minus cost of supplies, marketing, and other corporate expenditures. I'll probably need at least about 20 games/week to make enough to live on. That's too big to start out. How will I account for all the logistical contingencies? In order to initiate this company and slowly grow it, I'll either have to charge more or pay the DM's less. Perhaps I can find DM's who will do this for free just because they like it and claim all my earnings as suggested donations, until I grow large enough...

(That's how the corporate system works. I may make small margins, but with a league including thousands of players, where N = league size and N/4 * 10 = expected weekly earnings + cost of materials, with a large enough N, I can make bank! Unfortunately, most people aren't that nerdy, so my entire target audience for recruitment into my league in this area probably doesn't justify creating the company.)

Mem: Find a way to brainwash people into loving DnD. Stupid Christians. Ted Haggard can go fuck himself in his own ass. That would enlarge the target audience. It's called "marketing," and it basically means creating your own demand.

Note: I'm bitching about this, but I still haven't given up on it! I WILL make DnD America's new favorite pastime! Fuck baseball.

Update: I just printed this out, and I'm about to drive over to the game store to see if I can work with them to do the marketing and make this happen.

Little Known Fact: Capitalists and Men Both Actually Hate, Hate, Hate Competition

So, I was thinking about becoming an entrepreneur. That's the spirit, right? You just need a good idea, work ethic, some smarts, and off you go to wealth and success. Well, no. Here's my idea: I want to create a company that produces vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, vegetarian pizza with a vegan option. That's a great idea, right? Ok.

Remember that girl who got arrested for trying to sell lemonade at a lemonade stand, since Wal-Mart believed this was a serious threat to their high-fructose empire? Or from my personal experience, I remember this Hispanic boy when I was a freshman in high school. He was a smart kid; we both got into honors literature and were studying the book 1984. Keep in mind that a few years before, this guy was in Mexico and spoke no English.

Well, I remember him complaining about his brother's arrest, who along with several people he knew in the community, were detained at a local park for trying to sell hand-crafted kites. I distinctly recall his frustration with the difference between his former conception of American freedom and the reality of American Capitalism. It was the difference between a country where talented craftsmen could create a unique cultural product and sell it without an overwhelmingly destructive barrier to entry, for example from a cart at the park, and a country where Wal-Mart calls the police to ensure that no one is competing with their cheap plastic bullshit for only $2 more.

And what about my nutritious vegan pizza idea? People don't want that, either. There's no demand for it. People are only as demanding as they are creative, and trust me; they aren't creative. Market research shows that people only want salty, disgusting, greasy pizza. The government refuses to regulate it because of all the lobbying money being spent by the pizza industry in D.C., both frozen and delivery. And even if I could somehow brainwash people with an ultra effective revolutionary marketing campaign to make them want better pizza, the existing industry would probably levy the police forces against me in order to shut me down, just like my Hispanic friend from high school.

I'm sure the regulatory system governing the pizza industry is hopelessly complex in every way except regarding creating healthier pizza, mostly to disguise the fact that the American dream is total bullshit.


Proof That You Need Millions of Dollars To Compete In The Pizza Industry

Bloomberg reveals the claim that pizza is special; it's not. It's just a prominent example. So yes, he's biased. But you know what? At least he's a decent guy. And at least he didn't make his money by accepting bribes from the pizza industry and then claiming it was all because he worked so hard, like Mitt Romney.

Look, the little girl lemonade criminal syndicate became a meme!

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Some of you may be a little interested to see what this guy would write when trying to woo the woman of his dreams on match dot com. Just what was I able to get past the moderators? So, for example, they took down my STD test results. But what were they like, "ok, whatever man, " about? Fear not! What kind of  real man would I be if I denied you that answer? Let's begin with the last paragraph, since it sort of resolves my entire issue with dating sites in general:

"Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love."

That's right. I'm looking for a lucky lady who can read this, interpret it, agree with it, and still be interested in the author. And guess what? I have a date this Monday. What else? I know she's for real. Did I pique your interest? Ok, here's the full profile:

I am a bit of a loner. I suppose that is the cost of being a free-thinker. But I love people, and I work a job that requires customer service skills, which I possess amply. Some people think I'm funny. I really dislike elitism and love people who just want to live and be happy. I believe I am handsome and enjoy things that are beautiful. I believe communication skills are very important. Passion and positivity are two qualities that go well independently or together. I like to be around people who think positive things about me, and I think that's true for most if not all people. "I thrive on change, and know how to capitalize on it. It is important that I have enough change and variety. I derive personal satisfaction from directly helping others. I naturally see the links, relationships and patterns between different ideas. I see the "big picture." I have a creative imagination and am gifted at using words (verbally and/or in writing) to express new ideas, concepts or plots. I can be called on when a fresh, new way to communicate important information is needed. I am motivated to cause good, growth and gain in the lives of others. I am also insightful as to the personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of people. I am effective in helping to develop other employees or interacting with customers. I am naturally curious about how things work. I can help uncover possibilities." "The MAPP test has undergone extensive validity and reliability testing by a number of psychologists, including correlating the results to the Strong Interest Inventory®. Reliability studies also indicate that the MAPP test is consistent over time." So, it's not the most romantic thing ever, but it indicates some scientifically validated qualities that I possess, which might be better than my mouthing off whatever I want you to believe about me. Also, I just bought my best friend's significant other a birthday present, and she really liked it. I think this means I am considerate. :) P.S. I am a vegetarian, and I'm interested in women who are loving and care about animals. "I recently discovered that I'm about 1% Jewish, and I'm confident I have a Jewish 3rd cousin. So let that be the 1% that speaks, and consider me a self-hating Jew. Because we all know that the 1% is the only percent that matters, anyway." "I think the real question is, "Has Elizabeth Warren actually done anything to help the Native Americans?" They live in forgotten squalor, and no one gives a [----] about them. So what about their mighty representative in the Senate? What does she do to defend the people who enabled her success?" I scored a 35 on the MCAT and had a 3.72 GPA at Emory, and I was supposed to be a medical doctor. But I alienated the elite by pointing out how racist they are with statements like these. Now I deliver pizzas. I have a few business ideas in the works, however, and I don't expect to stay down forever. Also, being a pizza delivery guy is actually a pretty good job. Thanks a million, Mr. Schnatter. I like Jewish girls; they are smart and conscientious. But obviously I mean ancestry and upbringing and not religion or race. The most important quality a woman can have is the ability to love. Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love. 

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy


Update: The match dot com staff just discovered that I wrote this and promptly removed it. I've added it again in the hopes that a different team member reviews and approves of it. This is why gender diversity is good in any position, even match dot com moderation jobs.

Guess Who's Coming to Match.com

Oh yeah, baby! That's right. Ladies please, restrain yourselves. I know it's hard. But I'm now on match.com for your perusal.

Test (Req #9101354)	Value	Range	Result	Test Date	Results Date
Hepatitis C	<0 .1="" td="">	0.0-0.9	Negative	03/04/2015	03/05/2015
HIV-1 Antibody	<1 .00="" td="">	<1 .00="" td="">	Negative	03/04/2015	03/05/2015
HIV 1/O/2 Abs, Qual	Non Reactive	Non Reactive	Negative	03/04/2015	03/05/2015

I put this in my profile initially, but the match.com staff removed it. I was a little disappointed, as I thought these results were valuable information for a dating site. I wish all the women would do the same.

I have oh so subtly seduced them with the thought of being like this subject of my material affections; I posted a link to the gift I bought my best friend's significant other for her birthday.

. 

http://amzn.to/1x3Qn1J

"Just think. That could be you. :) "

Unfortunately, the match.com staff removed these links that I had hoped would tantalize my potential female lover with fantasies of my doting affection. 

So far, no women have seemed in the least bit interested except a Russian woman who is a little bit too old for me and already has a child. So maybe if she pays me to help take care of her kid. I'm a very good mother, I think.

76th Blog Post; Unlucky Number; I'm Going to Fill This Space With My New Favorite Song

The Mysterious Giant House Caper: Or The Invention of The "American Dream"

Have you ever wondered why every house being built is enormous, out of your price range, tied to a hugely exploitative bank loan, and ... well, wait a second. I think I thought myself right into the answer. Wouldn't it make more sense for people to buy cute little houses on small plots of land and spend 40k or so on the entire ordeal? Who in his right mind, if it were an option to purchase such affordable housing, would spring for the down-payment, 30 year mortgage, and 300k house that ends up costing twice as much as that in compounded interest? Why do we buy houses we can't afford? We have no fucking choice!

As soon as a piece of land becomes valuable, say because a region develops a business interest, developers (aka bankers or rentiers) descend on the real estate like a flock of vampiric vultures. They work with local legislatures to ensure that ONLY giant houses that cost more than people can afford will be built. They pass local bylaws in the real estate they pull out from under the public's legs stating that only giant houses may be built. They even go so far as to dictate that people must plant some stupid weed on their lawn and presumably expect them to pay thousands more dollars for a machine used to cut the weed. This is known as grass. It's just the cherry on the poisoned cake.

In short, the American public has no say in what sort of housing they'd like to live in. Certainly, they would not choose to live in exploitative large and overly expensive houses, if they had a fucking free choice. But who can compete with the banking system to purchase that land and build cheaper housing on it? Who can compete with the old boys club on the back stage rigging all the laws? The American public is absolutely forced into taking out exploitative loans or into paying exorbitant rents to owners usually in league with those banking rentiers.

Where's my 40k house that I can fill with expensive niceties out of the half a million dollars I saved by not purchasing a "private interest" "corporate" house? It doesn't exist because the housing market is an insane monopoly pretending to be free enterprise, complete with shady legislative connections and banking chicanery. Well, I say, we've had enough.

It's time to demand government housing for everyone. We'd all certainly pay lower rents that way, and certainly the democratic opinion favors smaller houses married to far less exploitative deals. Given the education and the choice, I sincerely believe the American public would choose not to get taken for hundreds of thousands dollars, translating into literal years and years of real labor value, and would instead opt to live in a dwelling more in line with their modest wages. What about spending cuts?

What about austerity? Why the silence when Republicans stand to lose some of their precious money, whether by an attack on their feudal nonsense or by a heartfelt jab at their willingness to spend lots of money ensuring that 50 million Americans go medically uninsured, a death sentence for untold thousands. And all that because they hope to ultimately profit from those deaths. Now who mentioned death panels again?