Friday, March 27, 2015

Westershire: Cheap Peanuts for The Masses pt. 1

Once upon a time, there lived a humble peanut farmer in the rolling plains of Westershire. His name was Gregory Farmer, and he served the noble Lord Chipper Tame. Greg occupied a pleasant wooden cottage on the edge of a three acre plot, within whose borders he felt safe; he delivered a small, discrete velvet sack of golden coins to Lord Tame on the third of each tenday.

Now, not thirty minutes away by oxen-driven cart, a modestly sized shop stood. On a sunny Fourthsday afternoon, Mr. Gaelor Breckerstone might be found there behind a finely crafted wooden counter, tallying marks on a piece of parchment and waiting to be noticed. This was one such Fourthsday, and Greg Farmer was just stepping off his cart. He fed each of his two oxen a single sugar cube. They were a little pricey, but these were study and hard-working oxen. Gaelor looked up as he heard the pleasant lowing that resulted from this treatment.

Gregory walked into the shop, and he said, "Blessings of Tymora upon you, Mr. Breckerstone. How are the wife and kids?"

Gaelor smiled amiably, "Oh you know how it is, Greg. The wife always wants a new dress, and my daughter needs that popular adventurer toy."

Everyone knew everyone in Westershire. Greg's mind filled with nostalgic thoughts about his own daughter, Lizzy, her face covered in dirt, running into the cottage, followed closely by Fran, Gaelor's pretty little girl. That was a rainy Sixthsday, some months ago, and his wife had been horribly upset about needing to mop up all that mud. Covertly, Gaelor enjoyed the commotion.

"Oh, yes, of course she does. I think I heard a rumor or two about those whittled masterpieces. Ranjan the Carpenter started making those at his shop, isn't that right? And Julius the Tailor now sells little vials of dye and feather paintbrushes so the kids can personalize those things. I haven't seen either character in ages. Anyway, let's get down to business."

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Crime Really Doesn't Pay, After All

Can coercively seizing someone's information without just cause be considered assault, for example by threatening to put someone in a situation that revokes their financial security if they do not hand over their birthdate, DL number, address, and full legal name? If so, I just got assaulted and then fired for attempting to figure out how to defend myself against this work of structural violence. Now today, I feel insecure that an untrusted entity has taken so much information about me, photocopied it, and put it in a database, all without my willful consent. 

And I need a new job. Who's hiring? On the bright side, all this has given me incredible insight into identity theft.

So, let's say hypothetically  I've invented a somewhat risky (though honestly people are retarded so not that risky) scheme to steal about 50k/year from the 1%. It's hugely convoluted and would probably entail the equivalent of a full-time job in labor hours. But then I went onto and discovered that physicians make at least 200k/year, or like 120k/year after taxes. Let's give myself a 20k/year cushion, even though this is more than the median personal income. That pays for medical school or whatever. I'm also grossly underestimating salary*.

So, from this data, I can conclude that working as a physician produces about 2x as much, at least, as my incredibly clever scheme to "arbitrage" the 1% market, if you will. And it's not even a tested procedure. Then, logically, every hour I would work as a doctor would take more from society than a hour of determined labor as an identity thief. Gee, I wonder why all the ultra-smart identity thieves don't just become doctors instead?

Or for that matter, why don't black people in the hood become medical assistants instead of marijuana footsoldiers, since these each pay about equally. I think Marco Rubio should go to a project in Detroit and fucking ask that question. God dammit.

Instead, there's all this shady research on how black people are genetically violent criminals. Well, maybe not. Maybe being a criminal simply paid more than working at McDonald's. After all, I would reasonably expect a slum-negro to jump at the chance at making 50k/year reading radiology charts rather than dodging armed troops and trying to sell chemical happiness.

*Estimated Physician Salary

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Ghostwriter: The Unpublished Marvel

Read this very carefully to find out exactly what happens to a genius who wasn't born rich. Click. Read. Learn. Enjoy your sarcastic Deity.

Let me help you out with this one; if he's writing books for some of the smartest CEO's in business, then he's probably smarter than all of them. Or else why didn't they write their own books? They didn't have time? Well, how did this guy find time working fiendishly at a book plant managing 250 people, perhaps without even having a college degree. Or is that where all his extra time came from? And trust me, all along the way, people were trying to get him fired. He's so smart he was a threat to management.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Outrageous Shipping Costs

Want to know how much it actually costs to ship an item to you, versus how much a company is charging? Click on the pictures to zoom in. I actually feel very sad for all the people who are trying to compete with Amazon right now, but it's not good to lose money.

         Price to ship a camera battery charger to Oregon

Price to ship a camera battery to Florida, from the same site.

I also checked Texas and Michigan; they were the same price. So, why do they even make me enter a zip code if it's a fucking flat rate shipping cost? Well, here's why:

Actual price to ship the same camera battery, from Oregon to Florida, or across the entire country.

Let's do a quick calculation. 5.42 - 2.50 = 2.92. So, basically, dCables is trying to charge me 50% the total item cost in order to put it in a box, slap a sticker with my address on it, and put it in the mail. I think not. Time to go to again.

Update: had a prime deal that included a charger kit, which can also be used in the car or in Europe, screen protectors, and a microfiber pad all for less than the charger on God I love-hate Capitalism.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

So You Want To Read My Diary? Well, That's Going To Cost You

I recently became aware that I've generated a few subscribers by being awesome. Apparently ya'll find me sufficiently interesting to read my bantering thoughts. Amazing. I love it. But now I'm going to try to make money off it.

You may have noticed the ads that just appeared on my blog. That's no accident, baby! Please click on them. Actually, please copy-paste my blog URL, open like 10 tabs, bring up my blog on every tab, and click through the ad on each tab. And buy stuff you don't need, of course. I know I do. I just bought this:

[Does not insert hints here]

I mean, like seriously, I have a problem. It's bad, but therapists just aren't trained to handle something like this.

And if you really like what I have to say, here's the QQminusS quote of the day!

"Racism doesn't discriminate; it persecutes anyone who is different."
                    - A random pizza-delivering genius, circa 2015

Click on enough ads, and I'll reward you by explaining the origin of my now notorious moniker!

Update: So far, no clicks. Dang! 

Friday, March 13, 2015

Little Known Fact: Capitalists and Men Both Actually Hate, Hate, Hate Competition

So, I was thinking about becoming an entrepreneur. That's the spirit, right? You just need a good idea, work ethic, some smarts, and off you go to wealth and success. Well, no. Here's my idea: I want to create a company that produces vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, vegetarian pizza with a vegan option. That's a great idea, right? Ok.

Remember that girl who got arrested for trying to sell lemonade at a lemonade stand, since Wal-Mart believed this was a serious threat to their high-fructose empire? Or from my personal experience, I remember this Hispanic boy when I was a freshman in high school. He was a smart kid; we both got into honors literature and were studying the book 1984. Keep in mind that a few years before, this guy was in Mexico and spoke no English.

Well, I remember him complaining about his brother's arrest, who along with several people he knew in the community, were detained at a local park for trying to sell hand-crafted kites. I distinctly recall his frustration with the difference between his former conception of American freedom and the reality of American Capitalism. It was the difference between a country where talented craftsmen could create a unique cultural product and sell it without an overwhelmingly destructive barrier to entry, for example from a cart at the park, and a country where Wal-Mart calls the police to ensure that no one is competing with their cheap plastic bullshit for only $2 more.

And what about my nutritious vegan pizza idea? People don't want that, either. There's no demand for it. People are only as demanding as they are creative, and trust me; they aren't creative. Market research shows that people only want salty, disgusting, greasy pizza. The government refuses to regulate it because of all the lobbying money being spent by the pizza industry in D.C., both frozen and delivery. And even if I could somehow brainwash people with an ultra effective revolutionary marketing campaign to make them want better pizza, the existing industry would probably levy the police forces against me in order to shut me down, just like my Hispanic friend from high school.

I'm sure the regulatory system governing the pizza industry is hopelessly complex in every way except regarding creating healthier pizza, mostly to disguise the fact that the American dream is total bullshit.

Proof That You Need Millions of Dollars To Compete In The Pizza Industry

Bloomberg reveals the claim that pizza is special; it's not. It's just a prominent example. So yes, he's biased. But you know what? At least he's a decent guy. And at least he didn't make his money by accepting bribes from the pizza industry and then claiming it was all because he worked so hard, like Mitt Romney.

Look, the little girl lemonade criminal syndicate became a meme!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Some of you may be a little interested to see what this guy would write when trying to woo the woman of his dreams on match dot com. Just what was I able to get past the moderators? So, for example, they took down my STD test results. But what were they like, "ok, whatever man, " about? Fear not! What kind of  real man would I be if I denied you that answer? Let's begin with the last paragraph, since it sort of resolves my entire issue with dating sites in general:

"Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love."

That's right. I'm looking for a lucky lady who can read this, interpret it, agree with it, and still be interested in the author. And guess what? I have a date this Monday. What else? I know she's for real. Did I pique your interest? Ok, here's the full profile:

I am a bit of a loner. I suppose that is the cost of being a free-thinker. But I love people, and I work a job that requires customer service skills, which I possess amply. Some people think I'm funny. I really dislike elitism and love people who just want to live and be happy. I believe I am handsome and enjoy things that are beautiful. I believe communication skills are very important. Passion and positivity are two qualities that go well independently or together. I like to be around people who think positive things about me, and I think that's true for most if not all people. "I thrive on change, and know how to capitalize on it. It is important that I have enough change and variety. I derive personal satisfaction from directly helping others. I naturally see the links, relationships and patterns between different ideas. I see the "big picture." I have a creative imagination and am gifted at using words (verbally and/or in writing) to express new ideas, concepts or plots. I can be called on when a fresh, new way to communicate important information is needed. I am motivated to cause good, growth and gain in the lives of others. I am also insightful as to the personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of people. I am effective in helping to develop other employees or interacting with customers. I am naturally curious about how things work. I can help uncover possibilities." "The MAPP test has undergone extensive validity and reliability testing by a number of psychologists, including correlating the results to the Strong Interest Inventory®. Reliability studies also indicate that the MAPP test is consistent over time." So, it's not the most romantic thing ever, but it indicates some scientifically validated qualities that I possess, which might be better than my mouthing off whatever I want you to believe about me. Also, I just bought my best friend's significant other a birthday present, and she really liked it. I think this means I am considerate. :) P.S. I am a vegetarian, and I'm interested in women who are loving and care about animals. "I recently discovered that I'm about 1% Jewish, and I'm confident I have a Jewish 3rd cousin. So let that be the 1% that speaks, and consider me a self-hating Jew. Because we all know that the 1% is the only percent that matters, anyway." "I think the real question is, "Has Elizabeth Warren actually done anything to help the Native Americans?" They live in forgotten squalor, and no one gives a [----] about them. So what about their mighty representative in the Senate? What does she do to defend the people who enabled her success?" I scored a 35 on the MCAT and had a 3.72 GPA at Emory, and I was supposed to be a medical doctor. But I alienated the elite by pointing out how racist they are with statements like these. Now I deliver pizzas. I have a few business ideas in the works, however, and I don't expect to stay down forever. Also, being a pizza delivery guy is actually a pretty good job. Thanks a million, Mr. Schnatter. I like Jewish girls; they are smart and conscientious. But obviously I mean ancestry and upbringing and not religion or race. The most important quality a woman can have is the ability to love. Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love. 

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Update: The match dot com staff just discovered that I wrote this and promptly removed it. I've added it again in the hopes that a different team member reviews and approves of it. This is why gender diversity is good in any position, even match dot com moderation jobs.