Saturday, March 28, 2015

Westershire: Cheap Peanuts for The Masses pt. 2

That last statement pulled both men out of their pleasant reveries. Gaelor remembered his business manners, straightened his cotton vest, and pulled up his chin.

"Right, of course. So what brings you here today, Mr. Farmer?"

"Well, I've got a full load of peanuts, lying in the 'ole cart back there. Are you still buying at the same price?"

"A copper piece a tentame, like usual. No fluctuations in demand at the marketplace. Loxim says all his parchments add up just right. I'll bring out the scale."

Mr. Breckerstone practically skipped through the door to his back office, excited to grab his shiny new brass scale, which he had recently purchased from Farnan the Smith. Meanwhile, Gregory Farmer strolled out to haul a heaping sack of freshly harvested peanuts from the back of his cart. He lugged the sack over his left shoulder and tottered unevenly back into the shop. He made a mental note to visit to Ranjan later, to see if the carpenter could build a small wooden dolly, this time one with wheels. Or maybe he would just buy some smaller sacks. Back inside the shop, he met Gaelor finishing his calibration with the metal blocks you had to buy from Lord Tame.

"Excellent, just bring those over here, Greg; I've got it all evened out for a tentame."

Greg observed the apparatus, which had a tentame block on one side, sealed with the Lord's brand, and a wooden cup on the other, which from experience both parties knew held about a tentame of peanuts. Everything looked solid, so Farmer heaved his bag onto the counter and untied the twine holding it closed at the top. He poured a good amount into the cup. Critical hit, it was perfect.

"Allright, Greg, that's one", said Gaelor, "let me just pour that into my bag over here and make a tally on my chart. You want a copy as usual, right? Ok, let me just make a tally on this copy over here, as well. And let's go ahead and measure the next tentame.

This process continued all day long, with Greg bringing sacks of dirty peanuts into the shop, and Gaelor helping him to measure them out, very carefully. By sunset, both parchments were full of tallies, Greg's cart was empty, and Gaelor's backroom was full of fresh peanuts. Greg took his tally sheet; Gaelor took his own. They both agreed on the same number, one-hundred and thirty tentames.

Gaelor handed Greg a glittering gold piece and three shiny silver coins. Both were exhausted, and the oxen needed to be fed. The journey home would feel long, but it still wasn't as bad as digging in the dirt all day, collecting the crop. Greg took his coins, placed them in a small velvet sack, and stood up. It was time to go home.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Westershire: Cheap Peanuts for The Masses pt. 1

Once upon a time, there lived a humble peanut farmer in the rolling plains of Westershire. His name was Gregory Farmer, and he served the noble Lord Chipper Tame. Greg occupied a pleasant wooden cottage on the edge of a three acre plot, within whose borders he felt safe; he delivered a small, discrete velvet sack of golden coins to Lord Tame on the third of each tenday.

Now, not thirty minutes away by oxen-driven cart, a modestly sized shop stood. On a sunny Fourthsday afternoon, Mr. Gaelor Breckerstone might be found there behind a finely crafted wooden counter, tallying marks on a piece of parchment and waiting to be noticed. This was one such Fourthsday, and Greg Farmer was just stepping off his cart. He fed each of his two oxen a single sugar cube. They were a little pricey, but these were study and hard-working oxen. Gaelor looked up as he heard the pleasant lowing that resulted from this treatment.

Gregory walked into the shop, and he said, "Blessings of Tymora upon you, Mr. Breckerstone. How are the wife and kids?"

Gaelor smiled amiably, "Oh you know how it is, Greg. The wife always wants a new dress, and my daughter needs that popular adventurer toy."

Everyone knew everyone in Westershire. Greg's mind filled with nostalgic thoughts about his own daughter, Lizzy, her face covered in dirt, running into the cottage, followed closely by Fran, Gaelor's pretty little girl. That was a rainy Sixthsday, some months ago, and his wife had been horribly upset about needing to mop up all that mud. Covertly, Gaelor enjoyed the commotion.

"Oh, yes, of course she does. I think I heard a rumor or two about those whittled masterpieces. Ranjan the Carpenter started making those at his shop, isn't that right? And Julius the Tailor now sells little vials of dye and feather paintbrushes so the kids can personalize those things. I haven't seen either character in ages. Anyway, let's get down to business."

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Crime Really Doesn't Pay, After All

Can coercively seizing someone's information without just cause be considered assault, for example by threatening to put someone in a situation that revokes their financial security if they do not hand over their birthdate, DL number, address, and full legal name? If so, I just got assaulted and then fired for attempting to figure out how to defend myself against this work of structural violence. Now today, I feel insecure that an untrusted entity has taken so much information about me, photocopied it, and put it in a database, all without my willful consent. 

And I need a new job. Who's hiring? On the bright side, all this has given me incredible insight into identity theft.

So, let's say hypothetically  I've invented a somewhat risky (though honestly people are retarded so not that risky) scheme to steal about 50k/year from the 1%. It's hugely convoluted and would probably entail the equivalent of a full-time job in labor hours. But then I went onto and discovered that physicians make at least 200k/year, or like 120k/year after taxes. Let's give myself a 20k/year cushion, even though this is more than the median personal income. That pays for medical school or whatever. I'm also grossly underestimating salary*.

So, from this data, I can conclude that working as a physician produces about 2x as much, at least, as my incredibly clever scheme to "arbitrage" the 1% market, if you will. And it's not even a tested procedure. Then, logically, every hour I would work as a doctor would take more from society than a hour of determined labor as an identity thief. Gee, I wonder why all the ultra-smart identity thieves don't just become doctors instead?

Or for that matter, why don't black people in the hood become medical assistants instead of marijuana footsoldiers, since these each pay about equally. I think Marco Rubio should go to a project in Detroit and fucking ask that question. God dammit.

Instead, there's all this shady research on how black people are genetically violent criminals. Well, maybe not. Maybe being a criminal simply paid more than working at McDonald's. After all, I would reasonably expect a slum-negro to jump at the chance at making 50k/year reading radiology charts rather than dodging armed troops and trying to sell chemical happiness.

*Estimated Physician Salary

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Ghostwriter: The Unpublished Marvel

Read this very carefully to find out exactly what happens to a genius who wasn't born rich. Click. Read. Learn. Enjoy your sarcastic Deity.

Let me help you out with this one; if he's writing books for some of the smartest CEO's in business, then he's probably smarter than all of them. Or else why didn't they write their own books? They didn't have time? Well, how did this guy find time working fiendishly at a book plant managing 250 people, perhaps without even having a college degree. Or is that where all his extra time came from? And trust me, all along the way, people were trying to get him fired. He's so smart he was a threat to management.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Outrageous Shipping Costs

Want to know how much it actually costs to ship an item to you, versus how much a company is charging? Click on the pictures to zoom in. I actually feel very sad for all the people who are trying to compete with Amazon right now, but it's not good to lose money.

         Price to ship a camera battery charger to Oregon

Price to ship a camera battery to Florida, from the same site.

I also checked Texas and Michigan; they were the same price. So, why do they even make me enter a zip code if it's a fucking flat rate shipping cost? Well, here's why:

Actual price to ship the same camera battery, from Oregon to Florida, or across the entire country.

Let's do a quick calculation. 5.42 - 2.50 = 2.92. So, basically, dCables is trying to charge me 50% the total item cost in order to put it in a box, slap a sticker with my address on it, and put it in the mail. I think not. Time to go to again.

Update: had a prime deal that included a charger kit, which can also be used in the car or in Europe, screen protectors, and a microfiber pad all for less than the charger on God I love-hate Capitalism.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

So You Want To Read My Diary? Well, That's Going To Cost You

I recently became aware that I've generated a few subscribers by being awesome. Apparently ya'll find me sufficiently interesting to read my bantering thoughts. Amazing. I love it. But now I'm going to try to make money off it.

You may have noticed the ads that just appeared on my blog. That's no accident, baby! Please click on them. Actually, please copy-paste my blog URL, open like 10 tabs, bring up my blog on every tab, and click through the ad on each tab. And buy stuff you don't need, of course. I know I do. I just bought this:

[Does not insert hints here]

I mean, like seriously, I have a problem. It's bad, but therapists just aren't trained to handle something like this.

And if you really like what I have to say, here's the QQminusS quote of the day!

"Racism doesn't discriminate; it persecutes anyone who is different."
                    - A random pizza-delivering genius, circa 2015

Click on enough ads, and I'll reward you by explaining the origin of my now notorious moniker!

Update: So far, no clicks. Dang! 

Friday, March 13, 2015

DnD Empire Time!

I have another idea. I am a talented Dungeons and Dragons DM. I want to start a company on that sells tickets to a DnD game for only $10. I could have four open seats per game to actually make this worth my time. And I'll host a game once a week.

Problematically, most people would rather just play Mass Effect or watch Netflix, which they can do all month long for the cost of a single game. That's why I set the price so low.

But ok. Let's say this works, and I want to expand to actually make enough money to live on, instead of less than the cheapest rent in my area per month. Now I have to split my earnings with a professionally trained DM, and I figure I have to pay him at least about $15/hour, since being a DM requires intelligence. (He's basically a story-teller.) Anything less, and how am I going to attract people who can research campaigns, memorize characters, environments, and regulate individual player experiences? It needs to be fun, and this individual must also possess good social skills.

I make about that much an hour delivering pizza. So it's not like he has no where else to go.

Games last 2 hours. Now I'm making $10/week/game, minus cost of supplies, marketing, and other corporate expenditures. I'll probably need at least about 20 games/week to make enough to live on. That's too big to start out. How will I account for all the logistical contingencies? In order to initiate this company and slowly grow it, I'll either have to charge more or pay the DM's less. Perhaps I can find DM's who will do this for free just because they like it and claim all my earnings as suggested donations, until I grow large enough...

(That's how the corporate system works. I may make small margins, but with a league including thousands of players, where N = league size and N/4 * 10 = expected weekly earnings + cost of materials, with a large enough N, I can make bank! Unfortunately, most people aren't that nerdy, so my entire target audience for recruitment into my league in this area probably doesn't justify creating the company.)

Mem: Find a way to brainwash people into loving DnD. Stupid Christians. Ted Haggard can go fuck himself in his own ass. That would enlarge the target audience. It's called "marketing," and it basically means creating your own demand.

Note: I'm bitching about this, but I still haven't given up on it! I WILL make DnD America's new favorite pastime! Fuck baseball.

Update: I just printed this out, and I'm about to drive over to the game store to see if I can work with them to do the marketing and make this happen.

Little Known Fact: Capitalists and Men Both Actually Hate, Hate, Hate Competition

So, I was thinking about becoming an entrepreneur. That's the spirit, right? You just need a good idea, work ethic, some smarts, and off you go to wealth and success. Well, no. Here's my idea: I want to create a company that produces vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, vegetarian pizza with a vegan option. That's a great idea, right? Ok.

Remember that girl who got arrested for trying to sell lemonade at a lemonade stand, since Wal-Mart believed this was a serious threat to their high-fructose empire? Or from my personal experience, I remember this Hispanic boy when I was a freshman in high school. He was a smart kid; we both got into honors literature and were studying the book 1984. Keep in mind that a few years before, this guy was in Mexico and spoke no English.

Well, I remember him complaining about his brother's arrest, who along with several people he knew in the community, were detained at a local park for trying to sell hand-crafted kites. I distinctly recall his frustration with the difference between his former conception of American freedom and the reality of American Capitalism. It was the difference between a country where talented craftsmen could create a unique cultural product and sell it without an overwhelmingly destructive barrier to entry, for example from a cart at the park, and a country where Wal-Mart calls the police to ensure that no one is competing with their cheap plastic bullshit for only $2 more.

And what about my nutritious vegan pizza idea? People don't want that, either. There's no demand for it. People are only as demanding as they are creative, and trust me; they aren't creative. Market research shows that people only want salty, disgusting, greasy pizza. The government refuses to regulate it because of all the lobbying money being spent by the pizza industry in D.C., both frozen and delivery. And even if I could somehow brainwash people with an ultra effective revolutionary marketing campaign to make them want better pizza, the existing industry would probably levy the police forces against me in order to shut me down, just like my Hispanic friend from high school.

I'm sure the regulatory system governing the pizza industry is hopelessly complex in every way except regarding creating healthier pizza, mostly to disguise the fact that the American dream is total bullshit.

Proof That You Need Millions of Dollars To Compete In The Pizza Industry

Bloomberg reveals the claim that pizza is special; it's not. It's just a prominent example. So yes, he's biased. But you know what? At least he's a decent guy. And at least he didn't make his money by accepting bribes from the pizza industry and then claiming it was all because he worked so hard, like Mitt Romney.

Look, the little girl lemonade criminal syndicate became a meme!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Some of you may be a little interested to see what this guy would write when trying to woo the woman of his dreams on match dot com. Just what was I able to get past the moderators? So, for example, they took down my STD test results. But what were they like, "ok, whatever man, " about? Fear not! What kind of  real man would I be if I denied you that answer? Let's begin with the last paragraph, since it sort of resolves my entire issue with dating sites in general:

"Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love."

That's right. I'm looking for a lucky lady who can read this, interpret it, agree with it, and still be interested in the author. And guess what? I have a date this Monday. What else? I know she's for real. Did I pique your interest? Ok, here's the full profile:

I am a bit of a loner. I suppose that is the cost of being a free-thinker. But I love people, and I work a job that requires customer service skills, which I possess amply. Some people think I'm funny. I really dislike elitism and love people who just want to live and be happy. I believe I am handsome and enjoy things that are beautiful. I believe communication skills are very important. Passion and positivity are two qualities that go well independently or together. I like to be around people who think positive things about me, and I think that's true for most if not all people. "I thrive on change, and know how to capitalize on it. It is important that I have enough change and variety. I derive personal satisfaction from directly helping others. I naturally see the links, relationships and patterns between different ideas. I see the "big picture." I have a creative imagination and am gifted at using words (verbally and/or in writing) to express new ideas, concepts or plots. I can be called on when a fresh, new way to communicate important information is needed. I am motivated to cause good, growth and gain in the lives of others. I am also insightful as to the personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of people. I am effective in helping to develop other employees or interacting with customers. I am naturally curious about how things work. I can help uncover possibilities." "The MAPP test has undergone extensive validity and reliability testing by a number of psychologists, including correlating the results to the Strong Interest Inventory®. Reliability studies also indicate that the MAPP test is consistent over time." So, it's not the most romantic thing ever, but it indicates some scientifically validated qualities that I possess, which might be better than my mouthing off whatever I want you to believe about me. Also, I just bought my best friend's significant other a birthday present, and she really liked it. I think this means I am considerate. :) P.S. I am a vegetarian, and I'm interested in women who are loving and care about animals. "I recently discovered that I'm about 1% Jewish, and I'm confident I have a Jewish 3rd cousin. So let that be the 1% that speaks, and consider me a self-hating Jew. Because we all know that the 1% is the only percent that matters, anyway." "I think the real question is, "Has Elizabeth Warren actually done anything to help the Native Americans?" They live in forgotten squalor, and no one gives a [----] about them. So what about their mighty representative in the Senate? What does she do to defend the people who enabled her success?" I scored a 35 on the MCAT and had a 3.72 GPA at Emory, and I was supposed to be a medical doctor. But I alienated the elite by pointing out how racist they are with statements like these. Now I deliver pizzas. I have a few business ideas in the works, however, and I don't expect to stay down forever. Also, being a pizza delivery guy is actually a pretty good job. Thanks a million, Mr. Schnatter. I like Jewish girls; they are smart and conscientious. But obviously I mean ancestry and upbringing and not religion or race. The most important quality a woman can have is the ability to love. Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love. 

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Update: The match dot com staff just discovered that I wrote this and promptly removed it. I've added it again in the hopes that a different team member reviews and approves of it. This is why gender diversity is good in any position, even match dot com moderation jobs.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Guess Who's Coming to

Oh yeah, baby! That's right. Ladies please, restrain yourselves. I know it's hard. But I'm now on for your perusal.

Test (Req #9101354)ValueRangeResultTest DateResults Date
Hepatitis C<0 .1="" td="">0.0-0.9Negative03/04/201503/05/2015
HIV-1 Antibody<1 .00="" td=""><1 .00="" td="">Negative03/04/201503/05/2015
HIV 1/O/2 Abs, QualNon ReactiveNon ReactiveNegative03/04/201503/05/2015

I put this in my profile initially, but the staff removed it. I was a little disappointed, as I thought these results were valuable information for a dating site. I wish all the women would do the same.

I have oh so subtly seduced them with the thought of being like this subject of my material affections; I posted a link to the gift I bought my best friend's significant other for her birthday.

"Just think. That could be you. :) "

Unfortunately, the staff removed these links that I had hoped would tantalize my potential female lover with fantasies of my doting affection. 

So far, no women have seemed in the least bit interested except a Russian woman who is a little bit too old for me and already has a child. So maybe if she pays me to help take care of her kid. I'm a very good mother, I think.

Monday, March 2, 2015

76th Blog Post; Unlucky Number; I'm Going to Fill This Space With My New Favorite Song

The Mysterious Giant House Caper: Or The Invention of The "American Dream"

Have you ever wondered why every house being built is enormous, out of your price range, tied to a hugely exploitative bank loan, and ... well, wait a second. I think I thought myself right into the answer. Wouldn't it make more sense for people to buy cute little houses on small plots of land and spend 40k or so on the entire ordeal? Who in his right mind, if it were an option to purchase such affordable housing, would spring for the down-payment, 30 year mortgage, and 300k house that ends up costing twice as much as that in compounded interest? Why do we buy houses we can't afford? We have no fucking choice!

As soon as a piece of land becomes valuable, say because a region develops a business interest, developers (aka bankers or rentiers) descend on the real estate like a flock of vampiric vultures. They work with local legislatures to ensure that ONLY giant houses that cost more than people can afford will be built. They pass local bylaws in the real estate they pull out from under the public's legs stating that only giant houses may be built. They even go so far as to dictate that people must plant some stupid weed on their lawn and presumably expect them to pay thousands more dollars for a machine used to cut the weed. This is known as grass. It's just the cherry on the poisoned cake.

In short, the American public has no say in what sort of housing they'd like to live in. Certainly, they would not choose to live in exploitative large and overly expensive houses, if they had a fucking free choice. But who can compete with the banking system to purchase that land and build cheaper housing on it? Who can compete with the old boys club on the back stage rigging all the laws? The American public is absolutely forced into taking out exploitative loans or into paying exorbitant rents to owners usually in league with those banking rentiers.

Where's my 40k house that I can fill with expensive niceties out of the half a million dollars I saved by not purchasing a "private interest" "corporate" house? It doesn't exist because the housing market is an insane monopoly pretending to be free enterprise, complete with shady legislative connections and banking chicanery. Well, I say, we've had enough.

It's time to demand government housing for everyone. We'd all certainly pay lower rents that way, and certainly the democratic opinion favors smaller houses married to far less exploitative deals. Given the education and the choice, I sincerely believe the American public would choose not to get taken for hundreds of thousands dollars, translating into literal years and years of real labor value, and would instead opt to live in a dwelling more in line with their modest wages. What about spending cuts?

What about austerity? Why the silence when Republicans stand to lose some of their precious money, whether by an attack on their feudal nonsense or by a heartfelt jab at their willingness to spend lots of money ensuring that 50 million Americans go medically uninsured, a death sentence for untold thousands. And all that because they hope to ultimately profit from those deaths. Now who mentioned death panels again?