Friday, March 13, 2015

Little Known Fact: Capitalists and Men Both Actually Hate, Hate, Hate Competition

So, I was thinking about becoming an entrepreneur. That's the spirit, right? You just need a good idea, work ethic, some smarts, and off you go to wealth and success. Well, no. Here's my idea: I want to create a company that produces vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, vegetarian pizza with a vegan option. That's a great idea, right? Ok.

Remember that girl who got arrested for trying to sell lemonade at a lemonade stand, since Wal-Mart believed this was a serious threat to their high-fructose empire? Or from my personal experience, I remember this Hispanic boy when I was a freshman in high school. He was a smart kid; we both got into honors literature and were studying the book 1984. Keep in mind that a few years before, this guy was in Mexico and spoke no English.

Well, I remember him complaining about his brother's arrest, who along with several people he knew in the community, were detained at a local park for trying to sell hand-crafted kites. I distinctly recall his frustration with the difference between his former conception of American freedom and the reality of American Capitalism. It was the difference between a country where talented craftsmen could create a unique cultural product and sell it without an overwhelmingly destructive barrier to entry, for example from a cart at the park, and a country where Wal-Mart calls the police to ensure that no one is competing with their cheap plastic bullshit for only $2 more.

And what about my nutritious vegan pizza idea? People don't want that, either. There's no demand for it. People are only as demanding as they are creative, and trust me; they aren't creative. Market research shows that people only want salty, disgusting, greasy pizza. The government refuses to regulate it because of all the lobbying money being spent by the pizza industry in D.C., both frozen and delivery. And even if I could somehow brainwash people with an ultra effective revolutionary marketing campaign to make them want better pizza, the existing industry would probably levy the police forces against me in order to shut me down, just like my Hispanic friend from high school.

I'm sure the regulatory system governing the pizza industry is hopelessly complex in every way except regarding creating healthier pizza, mostly to disguise the fact that the American dream is total bullshit.

Proof That You Need Millions of Dollars To Compete In The Pizza Industry

Bloomberg reveals the claim that pizza is special; it's not. It's just a prominent example. So yes, he's biased. But you know what? At least he's a decent guy. And at least he didn't make his money by accepting bribes from the pizza industry and then claiming it was all because he worked so hard, like Mitt Romney.

Look, the little girl lemonade criminal syndicate became a meme!

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