Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Some of you may be a little interested to see what this guy would write when trying to woo the woman of his dreams on match dot com. Just what was I able to get past the moderators? So, for example, they took down my STD test results. But what were they like, "ok, whatever man, " about? Fear not! What kind of  real man would I be if I denied you that answer? Let's begin with the last paragraph, since it sort of resolves my entire issue with dating sites in general:

"Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love."

That's right. I'm looking for a lucky lady who can read this, interpret it, agree with it, and still be interested in the author. And guess what? I have a date this Monday. What else? I know she's for real. Did I pique your interest? Ok, here's the full profile:

I am a bit of a loner. I suppose that is the cost of being a free-thinker. But I love people, and I work a job that requires customer service skills, which I possess amply. Some people think I'm funny. I really dislike elitism and love people who just want to live and be happy. I believe I am handsome and enjoy things that are beautiful. I believe communication skills are very important. Passion and positivity are two qualities that go well independently or together. I like to be around people who think positive things about me, and I think that's true for most if not all people. "I thrive on change, and know how to capitalize on it. It is important that I have enough change and variety. I derive personal satisfaction from directly helping others. I naturally see the links, relationships and patterns between different ideas. I see the "big picture." I have a creative imagination and am gifted at using words (verbally and/or in writing) to express new ideas, concepts or plots. I can be called on when a fresh, new way to communicate important information is needed. I am motivated to cause good, growth and gain in the lives of others. I am also insightful as to the personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of people. I am effective in helping to develop other employees or interacting with customers. I am naturally curious about how things work. I can help uncover possibilities." "The MAPP test has undergone extensive validity and reliability testing by a number of psychologists, including correlating the results to the Strong Interest Inventory®. Reliability studies also indicate that the MAPP test is consistent over time." So, it's not the most romantic thing ever, but it indicates some scientifically validated qualities that I possess, which might be better than my mouthing off whatever I want you to believe about me. Also, I just bought my best friend's significant other a birthday present, and she really liked it. I think this means I am considerate. :) P.S. I am a vegetarian, and I'm interested in women who are loving and care about animals. "I recently discovered that I'm about 1% Jewish, and I'm confident I have a Jewish 3rd cousin. So let that be the 1% that speaks, and consider me a self-hating Jew. Because we all know that the 1% is the only percent that matters, anyway." "I think the real question is, "Has Elizabeth Warren actually done anything to help the Native Americans?" They live in forgotten squalor, and no one gives a [----] about them. So what about their mighty representative in the Senate? What does she do to defend the people who enabled her success?" I scored a 35 on the MCAT and had a 3.72 GPA at Emory, and I was supposed to be a medical doctor. But I alienated the elite by pointing out how racist they are with statements like these. Now I deliver pizzas. I have a few business ideas in the works, however, and I don't expect to stay down forever. Also, being a pizza delivery guy is actually a pretty good job. Thanks a million, Mr. Schnatter. I like Jewish girls; they are smart and conscientious. But obviously I mean ancestry and upbringing and not religion or race. The most important quality a woman can have is the ability to love. Market price for a live-in nanny is around $300/week. If it were our child, I would do it for free (though hopefully be able to hire said nanny). If it's some other idiot's kid, forget it! Also, if you are just looking for money, you are doing it wrong; escorts can make anywhere between $100/hour and around $4,000 per night. With that much money you can pay the live-in nanny and forgo the complication of living with someone you do not love. 

Nanny Pimpin' Ain't Easy


Update: The match dot com staff just discovered that I wrote this and promptly removed it. I've added it again in the hopes that a different team member reviews and approves of it. This is why gender diversity is good in any position, even match dot com moderation jobs.