Thursday, July 9, 2015

News and Updates and the Cult!

Recently, I have become aware that there is a sizable cult that encompasses an unknown yet powerful group of citizens in my city. How did I find this cult? Their headquarters was listed in the Ford navigation directory that powers my car navigation system. The name of this cult is the "Church of the Morning Star," which as many might recall, is another name for Satan. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have uncovered a Satanic cult right here in  my home city. And I have pictures!

I went to the headquarters listed in my navigation system, and guess what I found? The church was recessed deep into an ant colony like neighborhood, probably 5 to 10 turns in. Every house was almost identical, even the way the yards were cared for. Now, you might be thinking that's some kind of Home Owner's Association bylaw. Just bear with me.

I finally arrived at the headquarters, and there was absolutely nothing. There were no cars, a few people checking out my car to see who I was, and nothing else, just one big nondescript house. I checked my nav system to see if I went to the correct location, and I was right on top of it. It was the house just in front of me.

When I was looking at my nav system, I noticed there was a school called , "School of the Church of the Morning Star," which was located about 15 minutes away. At this point, I was excited that I found a cult, and I wanted to join. So I plugged the school into my nav system hoping there would be a way to talk to these people. Keep in mind that it's the middle of summer, right?

The school turned out to be in another house, in another identical neighborhood, with the same-styled yards. And this neighborhood was 15 minutes away! At the school, even though it's summer, there were several cars. I stood at the base of the driveway leading to the school house, and I could hear children and adults talking. Since no one noticed me, I decided to take pictures. Here's what I found:

Base of the school

This is a view of the school from the base of the driveway. Notice that there are several cars. 

This is another angle. It shows that there are even more cars parked on the other side.

 There are even more cars parked in the cul-de-sac just outside the driveway.

 And those cars are parked on the other side of the cul-de-sac as well.

Well, I decided all of this was very strange. So I looked at the backsides of as many vehicles that I thought I could see without arousing suspicion. I found a marine corps license plate, and I also saw this:

Tom Price is a Republican congressman from my state. He's sort of like Ron Paul's evil twin. Also, he doesn't believe in man-made climate change and has no brain. So I learned two things about the cult, which are that one of the members is a former marine and another member voted for Tom Price. He's probably a political conservative.

My hopes were a little dashed, since I wanted the Church to engage in occult beliefs and maybe even some exciting goat sacrifices. But if they are conservatives, they might fall more under the Christian heretic cult type, for example Mormons. In any case, having a massive, sprawling, mycelium-like cult operating in your city is nothing to despair about. How exciting!

For my next post on this topic, I am going to try to join the cult! Pray for me.

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